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OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!

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   Forums Archive -> The Vault: 2007Message format
 
MWoody
Posted 2007-12-10 11:21 AM (#71233)
Subject: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!



Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13983

Location: Upper Left USA
Since it is inevitable anyway, I thought I'd start this string for Seasonally Salted Stories of Salient Sarcasm and Surrealism:

Did you hear about the dyslexic Bellringer that was shouting "Oh, oh, oh"?
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Paul Blanchard
Posted 2007-12-10 12:19 PM (#71234 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!



Joined:
February 2002
Posts: 1817

Location: Minden, Nebraska
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac that went to a late Christmas Eve service and lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog?
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Trader Jim
Posted 2007-12-10 12:22 PM (#71235 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
June 2006
Posts: 7307

Location: South of most, North of few
:rolleyes: :D
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Capo Guy
Posted 2007-12-10 12:43 PM (#71236 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!



Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394

Location: East Tennessee
Christmas Quickies


When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for
Christmas.
____________________________________________

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the
defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
___________________________________________

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.
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CrimsonLake
Posted 2007-12-10 12:56 PM (#71237 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
August 2006
Posts: 3145

Location: Marlton, NJ
A little NY Christmas:

The night before Christmas......

{ed Reportedly by Rob Bartlett}

'Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the block,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ed Kotch.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, they'd all still be there.

Me an this skank, were just getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for her head.
When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!

I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin fat guy!
With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight he looked, just like Dom DeLouise.

He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept off the roof, it became clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!

Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.
I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!

He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didn't see blood.
Instead he rolled over, looked me in the eye.
When I saw who I'd hit, I near started to cry.

I said "hey 'yo Santa, I'm sorry all right?"
"Not for nuttin" he said, "but this just ain't my night!"
"I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns."
"Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolf's got the runs..."

"I'm out all freakin night, I'm bustin my hump."
"But I can't finish now, not with this lump!"
"So do me a favor, and be a real pal."
"Take over for me...be Santa Sal."

I say 'Yo! I'm from Brooklyn, I ain't right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.
He made me a offer, I could'nt refuse.
Stop at every house....except for the Jews!

I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.
Took off on my mission, didn't want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin' my date.

That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you don't believe that...hey, jingle dis!
Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat, and he's old.

I'm his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, don't you be surprised.
If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
"Merry Christmas to all, thanks alot...shutup!"
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Steve
Posted 2007-12-10 3:29 PM (#71238 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
July 2002
Posts: 1900

"I don't make any real jokes. I just watch the government and then report the facts."
-Will Rogers
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cholloway
Posted 2007-12-10 4:09 PM (#71239 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 2791

Location: Atlanta, GA.
Classic Christmas Advice:

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to take Bach things you decide you don't want.
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Steve
Posted 2007-12-10 4:28 PM (#71240 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
July 2002
Posts: 1900

Cholloway, That was classic! :rolleyes: ;)

If you get a chance check out the youtube for 'willliam tell'. There's an excellent 2 part performance of the William Tell Overture recorded at an outdoor concert.
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cholloway
Posted 2007-12-13 10:14 PM (#71241 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 2791

Location: Atlanta, GA.
This was sent to me today.

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
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Steve
Posted 2007-12-14 9:44 AM (#71242 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
July 2002
Posts: 1900

:D ....your'e really stirring it up now...
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Capo Guy
Posted 2007-12-14 11:33 AM (#71243 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!



Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394

Location: East Tennessee
I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.



In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
.....
....
...
..
.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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lanaki
Posted 2007-12-14 11:41 AM (#71244 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
October 2006
Posts: 5575

Location: big island
it was the same elephant. he was pissed that dan did not sterilize his knife.
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Steve
Posted 2007-12-14 12:03 PM (#71245 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
July 2002
Posts: 1900

Heart-warming, until the very end... :rolleyes: :)
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Oddball
Posted 2007-12-16 2:08 AM (#71246 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
March 2007
Posts: 840

Location: CA
After (once again) drinking a wee bit too much, Paddy the Irishma is driving home from the pub. He's driven this route a thousand times, but this time, when he turns the corner, much to his horror he sees a tree right in the middle of the road! He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.
He swerves again, only to discover his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees!
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy starts telling his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Christ sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
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jdrnd
Posted 2007-12-18 10:00 PM (#71247 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
December 2007
Posts: 18

Location: New Hampshire
Santa was having a bad december. Some of his elves took an early retirment and he ended up hiring a number of of illegal aliens. Unfortunately, They were slow and inexperienced and had fallen behind in toy production. Because of this santa had to help out with toy production for most of December... he had gotten very little sleep. On Christmas eve he found that someone had unchained all of the reindeer and they had wandered all over the north pole. He only had one reindeer for the entire night. On top of this Mrs. Klaus had the runs and couldn't help load the sleigh (something she had done for every christmas since he began delivering toys). As he was loading the sleigh, the bottom fell out and all of the toys fell to the ground. He was fed up, so he decided to go in and have a glass of cider to calm himself down. When he went inside to tap the cider barrel, he found that the remaining elves had drank all of the cider. He swore under his breath and went back outside to try to get his act together. As he was trying to repair the sleigh, and catch a few reindeer, an Angel appeared with a fully dressed Christmas tree. She asked Santa, "sir, where do you want me to put it?"

...and thus started the tradition of having an angel on top of the christmas tree.
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felonius funk
Posted 2007-12-20 6:51 AM (#71248 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
November 2007
Posts: 24

Location: indianapolis
Why is Rudolph the only one with a red nose?

The others can run as fast, but they can't stop as fast.
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Jeff W.
Posted 2007-12-20 7:49 AM (#71249 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
November 2003
Posts: 11039

Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub
My Annual Favorite:

Raging Rudolph
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Jeff W.
Posted 2007-12-20 7:58 AM (#71250 - in reply to #71233)
Subject: Re: OT: Bad (but clean) Holiday Humor!


Joined:
November 2003
Posts: 11039

Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub
Part II
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