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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | "did you hear about the Canibal that passed an old friend?" |
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Joined:
November 2005
Posts: 1126
Location: Omaha, NE | Q: What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
A: His ass. |
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Joined:
November 2005
Posts: 4832
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | SOME NEW-OLD JOKES.
~ What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory
~ What does a baby computer call his father?
Data
~ What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar
~ What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
~ Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
~ What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness
~ To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
~ Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
~ Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
~ The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
~ As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
~ Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard. |
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Joined:
April 2005
Posts: 331
Location: San Angelo, Texas | know the difference between a job and a wife?
job still sucks after 5 years. |
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Joined:
February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness for him. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back,
and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold." |
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Joined:
February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | Why Men ARE Happier Than Women.....
...Men Are Just Happier People - What do you expect from such simple creatures? :D
Our last name stays put.
The garage is all ours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
We can be President.
We can never be pregnant. :cool:
We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
We can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
The world is our urinal.
We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000 - Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch/fart is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
We know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
We can open all our own jars.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
We almost never have strap problems in public.
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
Everything on our face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
We only have to shave our face and neck.
We can play with toys all our life. ;)
Our belly usually hides our big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.
We can "do" our nails with a pocket knife.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. :p
We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!!! |
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Joined:
April 2006
Posts: 972
Location: PDX | All my relatives live in the Midwest. When I was young we did a semi-annual visiting tour. My uncle Chester lived in Iowa just outside of Des Moines and raise hogs. On one visit there, he wakes me up early to go slop the hogs and watch the sun rise.
We get to the pen and he calls the pigs to the rail and begins to feed them. Last out of the hog shed was an ambling three legged hog. Taken a bit by surprise and boyish pity I said to Chester, “that’s sad, he looks like he is in pain. What happened to him?”
Chester looks up from his business and with country wisdom in his eyes looks down on me and says, “That is Elmer, and he is the best pig I ever owned. Why he saved my life not too long back. I was out tilling the back forty where there is a steep slope over by the irrigation pond. I got the tractor a bit kitty-whompus and it rolled over on me, pinning me underneath it. Broke a couple ribs, my legs, and cut up my arm something fierce. I was there, sure to bleed to death, when Elmer comes running up and roots a hole under me so I could get free. He then dragged me back to the farm and your Aunt Maud patched me up and got me to the doc. Yep, Elmer is the best pig I ever owned.”
“Wow” I said “but how did he loose his leg?”
Uncle Chester looked over at me with a puzzled look and said, “Now, you wouldn’t eat a pig like that all at once, would you?”
gh1 |
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Joined:
March 2006
Posts: 1634
Location: Chehalis, Washington | Did you hear about the constipated mathematician who worked out the problem with a pencil? How about the lens grinder who backed into the grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. |
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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | The First Mate was rowing his dory back to the ship after a long night ashore. Suddenly one of his oars snapped clean off. "Tarnation" he exclaimed!
So being the true sailor that he is he relashes the other oarlock in a gondola configuration and starts to heave-ho. Sure enough "Crack!" goes the second oar. Frustrated and hung over he assesses his situation. Soon he spies the Captain rowing out with a couple of woman passengers.
"Captain, Ho there Captain"! "Lend me one of your oars if you will, Sir" he shouts!
The Captain glares at him with his good eye and says "Its the brig for you ya scallywag"! "This ere's me dear Mother and me Sister"! |
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Joined:
May 2005
Posts: 486
Location: North Carolina | Female co-worker: "Men have their brains in their penises!"
Me: "Well, that explains my high I.Q." |
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Joined:
April 2005
Posts: 331
Location: San Angelo, Texas | The California/Oregon State Department of Fish and Wildlife is
advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra
precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Truckee,
Kirkwood, and Yosemite areas. They advise people to wear
noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing
to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also
advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with
a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are
smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly
bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper. |
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Joined:
April 2005
Posts: 331
Location: San Angelo, Texas | The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for
glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with
the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so
mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor had to
take a paper bag with a hole to see through, covered up the
appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down
her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get
emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set
on wire frames." |
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Joined:
April 2005
Posts: 331
Location: San Angelo, Texas | Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says, "I must
tell you something; We have a case of gonorrhea."
A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am tired of Zinfandel." |
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Joined:
February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | SOME DEEP THOUGHTS FOR 2006....
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have 2 emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather....It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30 cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird... Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. |
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Joined:
February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Hello,Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No,the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you,my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK,what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes,for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Hello,Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"............. |
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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | That's funny! |
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Joined:
February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy,"she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G.
See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes,It's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled,"We were in gym class today,and when we were showering,all the other girls had flat chests,but I have these!"
She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde,Mommy?"
"No Honey,Its because you're 24." |
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OT-Joke of the Day
