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December 2003
Posts: 1071
Location: Carle Place, NY | A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." |
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March 2005
Posts: 1421
Location: Orange County, California | :D I've heard it before, but that was very well told and made me laugh again! Thanks! :D |
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March 2005
Posts: 1421
Location: Orange County, California | Ole and his friends.
Two fellas from Sweden walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis. They head to
the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds,
leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big
cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 100-foot drop and
says: "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says:
"Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART TWO:
Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop
too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars
appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he
pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine.
Once more, Ole shakes his head.....
"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut
parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!" |
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December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | Shortly after Ole was hauled in and asked a few questions by Police Chief Ingemar. He suspected foul play! |
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March 2005
Posts: 12759
Location: Boise, Idaho | I almost miss the days of Pollack jokes. |
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November 2005
Posts: 4832
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | I miss my highschool blond polish sweetheart who told me all the Polack jokes in the known world.
(Much more fun than getting lawyer jokes from a lawyer.) |
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February 2005
Posts: 1132
Location: Parrish, FL | ENCORE! ENCORE! |
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March 2005
Posts: 12759
Location: Boise, Idaho | As a Polish lawyer, I've heard more than my share directed at me. Glad I'm not blonde. |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | A blond polish lawyer. OY! that would be something heavy to live with! |
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November 2005
Posts: 1126
Location: Omaha, NE | Sven and Oly.
Sven and Oly were bored, sitting in the volunteer fire station. Finally, a call came in. It was a minor kitchen fire, so the fire Chief figured it would be safe to send Sven and Oly.
So, off they go.
Hours go by, and Sven and Oly are still not back. The Chief is worried. He decides to head over to the fire and see what's happening.
He arrives to see Sven down on all fours and Oly putting it to him from behind.
"What in the world is going on here!", demands the Chief.
(It does well to visualize a thick Norwegian accent here)
"Well, Chief", replies Oly, "it goes like this. Its all about mouth to mouth resusitation"
"What are you talking about?!?!"
"You see Chief, we get to this here fire, and the house is pretty well a-full of the smoke. So old Oly he has to go in to look for civilians you see, so he goes into the house to look around. Next thing I know old Oly's all a-passed out from the smoke! So, like I said, its all about the mouth to mouth resusitation"
"What are you talking about Sven!?!? I'm asking how come you're doing that to Oly right now! What's that got to do with mouth to mouth resusitation?!?!?"
"Well, Chief, how do you think this got a-started anyhow?" |
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November 2004
Posts: 4413
| >> The Wisdom of Moss <<
Supermodel not clever - shock
On a fashion shoot in a derelict house, Kate
Moss wanted to take a pee. The assistant told
her: "Well, there is a loo, but there's no
door on it".
Kate replied: "Well how the fuck do I get
in there then?" An embarrassed silence ensued...
This is said to be true. |
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November 2005
Posts: 4832
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! Up Yours!" |
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February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here
by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike." |
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March 2006
Posts: 1634
Location: Chehalis, Washington | One NON-PC zinger...
I heard recently that the Pollocks were moving out of the outhouse, because the blondes downstairs were making too much noise...
:eek:
And on a more positive note:
A Polish scientist was studying the reactions of frogs. He placed the frog on an observation table and said, "jump, frog." The frog jumped six feet down the table.
The scientist scribbled some notes, then proceeded to cut off the frog's front legs. He then repeated the command, "jump, frog." This time the frog, without the use of its front legs, only jumped three feet. The scientist jotted down more notes.
After he was done, he cut off the frog's back legs, and again commanded, "jump, frog." The frog did nothing. He leaned closer and in a loud voice said, "jump, frog." Again, the frog did nothing.
The scientist made the following entry into his journal, "Frog without legs is deaf."
:D |
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February 2003
Posts: 2178
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | Originally posted by Mark in Boise:
As a Polish lawyer, I've heard more than my share directed at me. Glad I'm not blonde. A blonde and a Polish lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Phoenix to Boise.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are known to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The Polish lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The Polish lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The Polish lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep ;) |
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April 2006
Posts: 1138
Location: CT | A young boy passes his father's room and through the crack in the door sees him masturbating vigorously and saying " I need a woman...I need a woman...I need a woman........"
The next night he passes again, and again his father is masturbating, and chanting "I need a woman...I need a woman......."
This goes on for several nights, untill one night the boy sees a beautiful woman in the room with his father.
The following morning, the father passes the boys room, and through the crack in the door, sees his son masturbating vigorously and chanting "I need a bike....I need a bike...I need a bike........" |
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April 2006
Posts: 1138
Location: CT | A frog is minding his business on a lilly pad when out of the sky, an eagle swoops down and swallows him whole.
A couple of hours later, the frogs head pokes out of the eagles butt, and says "How high are we" The eagle says, "Oh, about 35,000 feet" and the frog says "You've gotta be shitting me" |
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December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | USA Today ran a poll on apathy and ignorance in America.
Nearly 47% didn't know anything about it and 58% didn't care. |
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April 2005
Posts: 331
Location: San Angelo, Texas | And I thought you were going to say that the lawyer didn't have 500 so handed over one of his Ovations.... |
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March 2002
Posts: 15678
Location: SoCal | Woodrow, that was the joke of the day about 30 years ago... |
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December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | What if I say I'm too young to know that Paul?
New Direction:
Jokes you inherited from your parents;
"Did you hear about the two maggots that were working in dead ernest?" - My Dad, circa 1965 and forward. |
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November 2003
Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | How do you know when a moth farts?
....it flies straight |
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December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | BTW - Does someone need a nap? :rolleyes: |
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March 2005
Posts: 12759
Location: Boise, Idaho | My wife's new Mother's Day T shirt:
"No one listens to me except when I fart!" |
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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 1071
Location: Carle Place, NY | Originally posted by MWoody:
Jokes you inherited from your parents;
"Did you hear about the two maggots that were working in dead ernest?" - My Dad, circa 1965 and forward. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician who worked out the problem with a pencil? |
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OT-Joke of the Day
