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Posts: 1071
Location: Carle Place, NY | An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The
waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day." |
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September 2004
Posts: 1180
Location: Vermont USA | Awesome joke thanks.
Paul |
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December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Funny and true. :) Which when it is your boss maybe isn't so funny. I guess that's why I like to read Dilbert. |
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April 2003
Posts: 2503
Location: Fayetteville, NC | Great Joke!! Funny!! Thank for sharing.
i guess one good joke deserves another... try this one....
The Very First Kiss
One day the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what's a headache?'" |
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Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | ". . Two Jews, a Priest, and a Gorilla walk into a sperm bank . . . . . . ." |
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April 2003
Posts: 2503
Location: Fayetteville, NC | But cliff, you didn't finish the joke .... |
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September 2004
Posts: 1180
Location: Vermont USA | Ok Cliff I'll go for it. So whats a sperm bank.
Paul |
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August 2003
Posts: 2246
Location: Yucaipa, California | A man was in the market for a new car so he went down to the local dealer and said “I want the latest, most technologically advanced car you have!”
The Dealer paused and replied “Ah, I have just the one, the new Penbrooke 950 VAV”.
The customer asked “VAV? What’s that mean?”
“VAV? Why that stands for Voice Activated Vehicle”
“Really? Wow, can I try it? How does it work?”
“Well, you’ll notice that there’s no accelerator, brake or clutch. The Vehicle is operated by speaking into the microphone on the steering wheel.”
“What should I say?”
“To start the car just say ‘Bloody Hell’ into the microphone.”
“What if I want to accelerate?”
“Simple, say ‘Bloody Hell’ again”.
“How do I slow down?”
“Same way, say ‘Bells’”.
“What about an emergency stop?”
“Just say ‘Bells, Bells, Bells.”
“ok, I’m ready, here goes…. ‘Bloody Hell’”
…off he goes…. Thinking “this is great” he says “Bloody Hell’ again and immediately the car speeds up. He is soon speeding down the Coast Road at 90 miles an hour!
Suddenly up ahead he sees the road ends at a steep cliff face!
“BELLS,BELLS,BELLS” he screamed. The car screeched to a halt 1-inch from the edge of the precipice!
Badly shaken by the near disaster, he said to himself “Bloody Hell!”. |
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April 2003
Posts: 2503
Location: Fayetteville, NC | Good one cuz!!! Funny!! Anyone else??? |
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February 2003
Posts: 2177
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10 of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
;) |
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March 2005
Posts: 2791
Location: Atlanta, GA. | A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms." |
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February 2003
Posts: 2177
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | Mujibar was trying to get into America legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests so
far, but there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter
America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready now sir for taking your testing."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it
up, and say, 'yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Microsoft on
the Help Desk. |
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May 2005
Posts: 327
Location: Evansville,IN | A man walks into an adult entertainment store, and asks the clerk for blowup dolls. The clerk says, "Do you want a black or white doll?" The customer says, "White"
The clerk says "Do you want christian or muslim?" The customer asks, "What has religion got to do with it?" The clerk says, "The christian one you have to blow up.the muslim ones blow theirselves up." :D |
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June 2002
Posts: 6197
Location: Phoenix AZ | A dog walks into an adult entertainment store and asks the clerk for a blowup leg. |
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May 2005
Posts: 327
Location: Evansville,IN | A Kentuckian goes to visit a fellow Kentuckian, and notices a puzzle, assembled, laying on the table. The visiting Kentuckian asks, "What is that?" The fellow Kentuckian says, "It's a puzzle." The visiting Kentuckian then asks, "Was it hard to do?" The fellow Kentuckian says, "Nah, it wasn't too bad, only took me 3 days." The visiting Kentuckian exclaims, "Man, you are a freakin' genius!" The fellow Kentuckian says, "Why's that?" The visiting Kentuckian says, "You must be, it says from 2-6 years on the box." |
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June 2002
Posts: 6197
Location: Phoenix AZ | Don't go knocking Kintuckie. Some mighty fine fried chicken comes from them parts.
I like the way the marketing honchos from Kentucky Fried Chicken try to distance themselves from the whole "fried" thing by stressing that their name is KFC. But the truth is that everyone just calls them K-fried-C.
Dave |
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May 2005
Posts: 327
Location: Evansville,IN | Originally posted by Standingovation:
Don't go knocking Kintuckie. Some mighty fine fried chicken comes from them parts.
I like the way the marketing honchos from Kentucky Fried Chicken try to distance themselves from the whole "fried" thing by stressing that their name is KFC. But the truth is that everyone just calls them K-fried-C.
Dave Doesn't matter what they call it. It will always be Kentucky Fried Chicken to me. Chickens ain't nothin' but barnyard buzzards. Nasty critters, but taste good. |
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May 2005
Posts: 327
Location: Evansville,IN | A man was sitting at the bar enjoying his beer, when he was approached by a very nice looking woman. The woman takes in a deep breath, and says, "What do you have on, it smells great." The man replies, "I have a hard-on, but I didn't know you could smell it." |
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OT-Joke of the day
