|
|
Joined:
November 2002
Posts: 1300
Location: Madison, Wisconsin | I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my nuts and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret |  |
|
| |
|
Joined:
February 2005
Posts: 1133
Location: Parrish, FL | Note to self: NO coffee while at the keyboard! :D |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2002
Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | NICE One, Will'rd!!! |
|
| |
|
Joined:
November 2005
Posts: 1126
Location: Omaha, NE | Heard this one this morning...BTW...this is REALLY off color so forgive me...
A bar is looking for a new piano player. This guy comes in to apply for the job.
The manager has him sit down and play a song. He plays a beautiful, soft jazz kindof number. Very, very nice.
"Wow, that was great!" the manager says.
"Thanks" replies the guy, "its an original number I wrote called 'I fucked my daughter in the ass last night'".
Shocked, the manager does a double take, and asks the guy to play another song. He does, and it is beautiful too.
"What's that called" the manager asks.
"That one is called 'I blew off my dog while my cat licked my nuts'"
"Good grief!" replied the manager. "Look...here's the deal. You can have the job but don't tell anyone the names of your songs."
So, its the first night, and the piano player finishes his first set, then gets up to go to the bathroom.
On his way back to the piano, a guy in the bar says "Hey! Do you know your fly is open and your dick's haning out?"
"Know it?!!?", replied the piano player. "I WROTE IT!" |
|
| |
|
Joined:
May 2003
Posts: 4389
Location: Capital District, NY, USA Minor Outlying Islands | Was it possible she was trying to pick you up? |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | Well Omaha, you have officially killed this thread :D |
|
| |
|
Joined:
November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | A joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian...
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...." |
|
| |
|
Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13997
Location: Upper Left USA | You shouldn't go talking about the Russky's that way! They still have a lot of missiles and their running low on Vodka! |
|
| |
|
Joined:
November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia |   |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 2793
Location: Atlanta, GA. | Their vodka ain't even made from potatos anymore... no wonder! |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2006
Posts: 1634
Location: Chehalis, Washington | Originally posted by fillhixx:
A joke that explains what it's like to be Canadian...
To quote Waskel, " " |
|
| |
|
Joined:
July 2006
Posts: 149
Location: gods country..west virginia | after reading this thresd i just about pissed my self... |
|
| |
OT: Joke of the Day
