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Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 370
Location: Isle of Man, UK | Found this on another forum, and thought it may raise a few giggles. I myself do not have a daughter, although I have dated a few. I'm glad that I'm a gentleman and have never fallen foul of any!
Be careful of rule 4 - I had a coffee/monitor incident when I read it.
10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. |
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Joined:
January 2007
Posts: 672
Location: New South Wales, Australia | lol......seems reasonable :D |
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Joined:
June 2003
Posts: 1792
Location: Rego Park, NY, | I had a co-worker who used to clean his gun in the dining room every time his daughter went on a first date with a new boy. |
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Joined:
August 2005
Posts: 3736
Location: Sunshine State, Australia | My daughter is 7, and I'm not letting her go dating until she's 40! |
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Joined:
October 2005
Posts: 5332
Location: Bluffton, SC | My daughter has one simple rule. She cannot date until I die. After that, it's up to her mother. |
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Joined:
January 2005
Posts: 4903
Location: Phoenix AZ | You know, I used to think all these same things. My only daughter is now 20 and somehow it all works out. The important thing is to instill values and self respect at an early age. For the most part, your children will mimic what they have seen YOU do for years. If you're a crack whore prostitute of a mother, don't expect your daughter to be much different. |
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Joined:
October 2005
Posts: 5332
Location: Bluffton, SC | Great. NOW he tells me. |
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Joined:
May 2003
Posts: 4389
Location: Capital District, NY, USA Minor Outlying Islands | Stupid rules. I agree with tuppy. |
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Joined:
March 2002
Posts: 15683
Location: SoCal | I love these rules, but Tup's right. My daughter is 15 1/2. Originally, she wasn't supposed to date until she was 16. We bent that a little and she's dated a little this year. But she broke up with a boyfriend because he didn't treat her well. He didn't open doors for her (I laways do) and once when they were at the movies at a large open mall, his mother came to pick him up (he doesn't drive) and they left her there alone before I got there.
You can't stop kids from doing what they are going to do, but you can act as an anchor and slow them down.
But if you've installed good values in them and model those values daily, they do learn and it stays with them.... |
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Joined:
September 2004
Posts: 1180
Location: Vermont USA | moody p.i. posted But if you've installed good values in them and model those values daily, they do learn and it stays with them....
He is right on for the money, and if that doesn't work a 9mm to the chest and head should take care of the problem. :rolleyes:
Pauly |
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Joined:
September 2003
Posts: 9301
Location: south east Michigan | I have three boys, 20, 22, & 24 but no daughters.
Be it boys or girls, the "instill values by word & example" thing is the key.
But remember... there comes a time when they will test you. And it is important that they do. This helps to seperate them from the parental figure. Just remember to build in wiggle room into your rules so when the time comes it will seem like your are the one giving in.
As much as I have gone round & round with my youngest I was very pleased to see that on his MySpace page he lists me as his "hero".
My consistant words of advise on girls have been... "If two people go on a date, make sure only two people come home."
The most effective birth control method for my boys has been extended visits by my unruly and high maintaince nieces and nephews. |
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Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | I like Rule #7.
In lieu of the oil change, mowing the lawn is always useful. |
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Joined:
May 2006
Posts: 4239
Location: Steeler Nation, Hudson Valley Contingent | On a related note, my brother sent me this when my daughter was born. Some of these cracks are sleepers that hit you several lines later.
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Joined:
April 2006
Posts: 2491
Location: Copenhagen Denmark | Hmmm.....when it comes to my daughters,it`s them guys who will have to watch it..Great Thread though... :D
Vic :cool: |
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OT: Dating rules
