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Posts: 1374
| forwarded from one of my wife's internet moderator groups.... don't know why this was there.
read at your own risk.
Guys...y'all have been warned...read on at your own peril...
Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can
top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm
lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I
had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly
because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its
gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the
fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She
had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under
the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she
leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the
full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this
from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink
and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself
lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of
"been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too
painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this? |
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Posts: 4413
| I have tears in my eyes, and I'm not laughing. |
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Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Great story. Now I have to clean my keyboard.
Again.
BTW; I wonder what happened to the kitten?
:confused: |
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Posts: 5881
Location: Colorado Rocky Mountains | I prefer dogs. |
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Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Originally posted by ProfessorBB:
I prefer dogs. Be careful...... Bigger teeth!!! :eek: |
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Posts: 4236
Location: Steeler Nation, Hudson Valley Contingent | It was only when I finished reading this one that I realized how tightly my legs had involuntarily clamped together! :eek: |
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Posts: 3736
Location: Sunshine State, Australia | My legs are crossed and we don't even have a cat. |
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August 2005
Posts: 3736
Location: Sunshine State, Australia | Originally posted by Gospel Guitar Guy:
Originally posted by ProfessorBB:
I prefer dogs. Be careful...... Bigger teeth!!! :eek:
I reckon if a dog licked what the cat bit, he'd be just as unconscious. |
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Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | What a waste of good tea!
And now I have to blot my entire desk too. |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Last time he'll ever ask his wife for a little pussy... |
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Posts: 2491
Location: Copenhagen Denmark | Poor Guy !!.......roflmayo :)
Vic |
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Posts: 1017
Location: Budd Lake, NJ | I smirked, snickered, chortled, shook, guffawed, howled, shook, cried, blew and nearly suffered a Depends moment......but I did not laugh. (And I know better than to have pourable items by my computer if I'm contemplating logging in here.)
This reminds of something I read some time back:
A husband and wife were enjoying an idyllic summer's evening on their front porch when they were alarmed by cries of, "HELP ME, SOMEBODY PLEASE, HELP ME!" coming from the next door neighbors' house.
Forcing open the back door, they followed the cries to the master bedroom, where they found the wife, naked and bound to the four corners of the bed. On the floor beside the bed was an indistinguishable mass of purple cloth; examination determined it to be the husband, who, in attempting to "rescue" his wife, a la Batman, had leapt vigorously off the dresser--and taken himself out on the ceiling fan. (After a trip to the ER, he did recover.)
--Karen |
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Posts: 2491
Location: Copenhagen Denmark | Now,that`s truly a saddening story..(ROFL)..I do Hope the ceiling fan was Allright.. :)
Vic
..communists I say..It`s a Conspiracy.. |
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November 2003
Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Originally posted by Jewel's Mom:
had leapt vigorously off the dresser--and taken himself out on the ceiling fan.
--Karen People! People! How many times must I say it... I can't stress enough- the imPORTance of approved protective headgear during romantic interludes. |
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Posts: 387
Location: Whitecourt, Ab | This reminds me of an article I read about pupils' excuses for being late for school...
In a small farming community a teacher asked a young man why he was late for school. He replied: It all started early this morning when the chickens woke us up, cluckin' and a squawkin'. It's been so hot lately that Pa's took to sleepin' nekid under his night shirt, but he snuck out to the chicken coup to try and catch that sly ole fox. He bent down and stuck that shotgun in a hole in the wall near the floor and peered in just about the time our old coon hound Luke come around the corner. Now ol' Luke done what dogs does best and stuck his big ole cold wet nose under Pa's shirt to check him out...and we been cleanin chickens since 4 this mornin' |
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OT.... OUCH!!!
