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Joined:
December 2001
Posts: 7247
Location: The Great Pacific Northwest | I know this is way off topic, but I just couldn't resist. I received this in an email, and I don't usually laugh out loud.
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
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P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
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P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
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P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
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P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
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P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
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P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget |
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Joined:
January 2005
Posts: 49
Location: Orlando, Fl | Miles,
I needed a little laugh break from work. Thanks! |
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Joined:
March 2002
Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | That was GOOD, Miles!!
My boss and I just about pissed ourselves laughing at these!
THANKS!!
cliff |
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Joined:
August 2004
Posts: 79
Location: Minnesota | Good stuff! I need a mechanics job at Quantas,or least the job of typing service request replies :D |
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Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 1673
Location: SoCal | Miles, thank you for sharing... excellent! |
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Joined:
August 2002
Posts: 623
Location: Lake Hiawatha, New Jersey | Very funny! Thanks! |
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Joined:
February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | Priceless! :D
Working in IT I often need replies like these in dealing with users.
My favorite was:
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed. |
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Joined:
September 2003
Posts: 9301
Location: south east Michigan | I had a customer tell me that he took the hydraulic filter off because the damn thing kept clogging up! :confused: |
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Joined:
March 2002
Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | True story:
I got a call once from an exhibitor for an upcoming show that wanted to know what the big black solid circles were on the floorplan that she was looking at were.
I informed her that they were the building's columns.
She wanted to know if they went all the way down to the floor . . .
I told her that they "stop" just an inch or two above the floor
- that makes it easier to slide the carpet in underneath.
She ended up calling back later in the day wanting to know how long a six-foot table was . . . |
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Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Hi,
Cliff, was she Blonde?
Enjoyed since I used to work as a Facilities Enginner. Sounds like some phone calls I used to get from the General Manager.
Life is short. Eat dessert first. |
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Joined:
April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | Funny stuff....you sure Cliff doesn't work for them?
By the way, Southwest is a major airline and I don't believe they have ever had an accident. |
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Joined:
January 2003
Posts: 1498
Location: San Bernardino, California | The entrance opens, two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die." |
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Joined:
May 2004
Posts: 2850
Location: Midland, MI | I've seen the (alleged) Qantas list before, but that joke of BD's is a new one. Very funny. ;) |
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Joined:
May 2002
Posts: 3005
Location: Las Cruces, NM | Good stuff Miles, some great laughs
MikeW
I was a Facilities Engineer at a gov't site also for a few years and my biggest question is this:
Why is 70 degrees in winter so cold that every secretary calls and complains, and 72 degrees in summer so hot that every secretary calls and complains? Why are secretarys so lacking in anything to do that they spend hours on the phone complaining, no boss ever called? |
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OT: But it does have to do with aircraft.
