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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. At the first house, she asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need is in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes almost all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." |
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Posts: 2177
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | My wife says this is ME to a tee!! :D
Oil Change Instructions For Women
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change Instructions For Men
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18. Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money Spent
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right! |
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Posts: 78
Location: Avondale AZ | A mole family wanted to see if it was time to stop hybronating, so the father stuck his head out the hole. He sniffed to see if he could smell spring. He reported that he could smell honey. The mother squeezed out besided him and said, "I can smell milk." The baby, who could not squeeze out of the hole while mom and dad were stuck in it, said, "I can smell molasses." |
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Posts: 9301
Location: south east Michigan | Two atoms are walking down the street.
One says, "Hey...I just lost an electron!"
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive. " |
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April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | Two bananas walking along the sandy river bank enjoying a beautiful day when a turd goes floating by, splashing water, and having the time of it's life.
1st banana looks at the 2nd and says "Do you believe that shit!" |
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Posts: 4413
| Wife is climbing out of the shower and her husband is just climbing in. The doorbell rings. After an argument she puts on her robe and goes to the door. It's Bob the neighbour.
Bob looks at the wife, who he has always had the hots for, and says "I'll give you $800 if you drop that robe."
The wife thinks for a moment, and then drops the robe.
Bob, visibly excited, pushes the money into her hand and runs off back to his house.
Wife goes back to the bathroom. "It was Bob", she says.
"Oh," says her husband from inside the shower, "did he leave anyhting. He said he was going to call round today with the $800 he owes me." |
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Posts: 2177
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just abouteverything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you
have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into The next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party." |
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Posts: 2177
Location: the BIG Metropolis of TR | One more and then I'll stop!...... :rolleyes:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy efficient windows.
But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I like Martin guitars doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid!
Well, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves!!
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.
Guess he felt really stupid! ;) |
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Posts: 13987
Location: Upper Left USA | My first Wife (a blond) had a different way of practicing birth control.
She practiced obstinence.
We had two Daughters. You can't stay angry all the time I guess. |
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Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | Jeff,
Look what you started. This is why we don't let you run around loose any more :rolleyes: |
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Posts: 13987
Location: Upper Left USA | New rule for the "Joke of the Day"!
Only post between 1200 and 1230 New Jersey Standard Time.
Or just let it go. |
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February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | A turtle was walking through a seedy part of town one night, and two slugs come out of an alley. They proceed to mug the turtle, taking all of his valuables and leaving him for dead.
He is found by a passerby, and taken to the hospital where the police question him.
"Can you tell us anything which would help us identify the thieves?", the police ask.
The turtle moans, "I don't know... it just all happened so fast...". |
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Posts: 13987
Location: Upper Left USA | This is a local Shipyard joke. Please modify to suit your occupation or area.
Two Seagulls were flying over the Shipyard and one asks the other "See any Riggers lately?".
The other gull answers "Yeah, I spotted a couple!". |
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Posts: 338
Location: SE Michigan | If you spin a Chinese man around in circles; does he become dis-oriented? |
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Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | Is Jackson Browne?
Is Clint Black?
Does Al Hirt?
Does Lucille Ball?? |
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Posts: 13987
Location: Upper Left USA | I know Stu Gotts!
He's selling one too! |
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Posts: 6197
Location: Phoenix AZ | My doctor told me he needed a urine sample, stool sample, and semen sample. I said how about if I just bring him my dirty underware. Dave |
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Posts: 349
Location: Snellville, GA | This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.
So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.
So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.
She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, f**ked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!! |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | A Koala Bear, having never left the forests of Australia, decides he wants to see more of the world and so, books passage on a ship to New York.
Upon his evening arrival , he is overwhelmed by the all the people, lights, shear height and number of buildings.
While dizzy with amazment, he is approached by a women who askes if he, "would like a good time".
In near disbelief, the Koala doesn't want to miss anything and says, "Sure, I love to!!"
They wander back to a small dark hotel room and fool around a bit, before the Koala Bear says, "I must be on my way to see the rest of the City's sights."
The women says, " You must pay me before you go!"
Confused, the Koala Bear says, "Why?"
Because, "I'm a hooker", she responds.
"I'm not familiar with that term", he replies.
"Well then", she insists, "you'd better look it up in that travel dictionary of yours!"
The Koala thumbs through the pages and finds - Hooker; slang for Prostitute; Women that has sex for money.
Clear now and to avoid any complications, he asks the hooker to read the defintion of Koala Bear;
small, grey Australian marsupial, that eats bushes and leaves.
Dave - As concerns your tasteless contribution, despite my best effort not to....I LMAO. |
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March 2002
Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | A "Bruce" straight from the AustralianOutback arrives in NYC for the first time.
First person he meets is a hooker (not really, but it "works" for the joke). After a brief exchange, they go up to his hotel room for some "fun".
The first thing he does is open the window.
She takes off her blouse. He throws a chair out of the window.
She takes off her skirt. Out goes the dresser.
This continues on until she's standing there naked with him in an empty hotel room.
She says "Do you know what we're gonna DO here??"
He says "Yeh! . . . an' if it's anything lyke doin' it widda kangaroo . . . w'gonna need all th'room we can GET!!! |
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Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | From crude to completely tasteless in hardly any time at all. Can you all maybe just PM each other with these? |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Waskel,
Please, accept my most sincere apologies for any offensive content contained in the posts you read - through. |
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Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | No problem, Jeff -
though I didn't read through them all. |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | At which, did you stop? |
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Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | About 1/2 way through TWA's. |
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Posts: 4413
| The one where the small furry animal found himself in trouble...
Actually Mister Wabbit might have a point here - while all this was going on I've been having a serious and seriously interesting and educational exchange of pms with biker fred about nylon guitar strings. And he's saved me a fortune in string costs by pointing me in the right direction when my instincts (guesses) were telling me to go the opposite way. I've found the strings for my CA at the 3rd attempt, which considering there are about 300 different types of classical string is amazing. We should try using the board for this stuff one day....... :p |
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Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Good to know you didn't read any of my offensive stuff. |
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Posts: 4413
| I'll pm you the joke I didn't dare post. It's clean, but seriously offensive. |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | offensive????? |
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February 2005
Posts: 121
Location: Powder Springs, Ga. | This joke is rated G.
**
A guy walks into a restaraunt, sits down and calls the waitress over and asks "Do you have Frog Legs"?
She replies "yes sir, the finest".
"Then can you hop in the kitchen and get me some coffee"?
:p |
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Posts: 349
Location: Snellville, GA | Sorry if anyone took offense...I guess you can call me a repeat offender. ;) |
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February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | Not really offended, just probably not the forum for it. Try here.
...besides, I've heard most of the ones here... |
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March 2005
Posts: 2791
Location: Atlanta, GA. | Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches,"
and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length." |
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December 2003
Posts: 13987
Location: Upper Left USA | Coroner's Report:
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The Coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector:
"First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Bob Earl, from Texas, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken." |
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October 2002
Posts: 153
Location: Huntington Beach, CA | A horse walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender comes over, cleaning a glass and says "Why the long face?".
A grasshopper goes into a bar and jumps up on a bar stool. Noticing him, the bartender says, "hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies "You have a drink called Steve?" |
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Posts: 4413
| Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of wool? She had mittens. |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Well,
we are certainly way off the offensive material. |
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Posts: 4413
| cliff will be round with the tea and cucumber sandwiches shortly. |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | I'd like a "lil" somethin' in my tea Cliff. |
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Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | I gotcher cucumber sandwich . . . . . |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Schroed...I'd be wondrin' just where the cucumber sandwich has been. |
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Posts: 4413
| If you were at one of Her Majesty's summer garden parties you wouldn't ask the waiter "where've they been?" when offered a plate of sandwiches. Just eat it. And I hope that cliff remembered the doilies. I've heard that some people from Joisey can be quite common. |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | quite. |
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Posts: 327
Location: Evansville,IN | What's a cow with no legs called?
Ground beef. :D |
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Posts: 13987
Location: Upper Left USA | Have you heard the one about the two maggots working in dead Ernest? |
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Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | So this guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and starts crying to the bar tender, "I can't have a conversation with anyone since they don't match my IQ"
The bar man says "Try the blond over there, she's got an IQ of 125"
To high, the guy says and orders another beer.
"How about the business guy at the other end of the bar, he's 95?"
The guy says no again, that they were too smart for him.
"How about the cook, she's 63"
No again and give me another beer.
The barman is about to give up when he spots the local bum sitting in the corner booth. He says "Go talk to Louie over there, his IQ is about 30"
Tha guy smiles and says OK, orders two more beers and goes over to the booth and sits down with Louie. They click beer mugs and the guy says to Louie, "So, you got any old Les Pauls?" |
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Posts: 327
Location: Evansville,IN | A guy walks in a bar a bit short on money. Calls the bartender over and asks him,"Hey Buddy, if I farted the star spangled banner would you give me a can of beer?" The bartender replies, "If you can do that I will give you a case of beer."
The guy gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and proceeds to poop all over the bar. The bartender gets very irate at him, and says," What are trying to do ruin my bar?" They guy replies, "I'm just like any other good singer, I have to clear my throat first." :D |
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Posts: 68
Location: Malden, Massachusetts | There are several jokes here - check out the band uniforms
http://www.heysuburbia.com/cgi-bin/m4/headline/03_04_02_22_50 |
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Location: NJ | NICE!!
I particularly like:
(so many PhotoShop opportunities - so little time . . . ) |
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Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | There's just so much wrong with that.
They look like fugitive elves on steriods and female hormone replacement meds...
"Fugitive Elves on Steriods"
....yet another band name folks. |
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Posts: 68
Location: Malden, Massachusetts | OFC members beware - if a photo of your face is avaiable to Cliff, you, too, might end up in a colorful swedish '70's dance orchestra group photo |
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Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | . . . or worse. |
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Posts: 349
Location: Snellville, GA | Didja hear about the two naked women drinking beer on the beach? They got sand in their Schlitz. |
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Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | I think that was at Amelia Island. I remember reading about it in the paper. It was right next to the article about Bubba getting baptized down at the county boat ramp. |
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Location: closely held secret | ANNOUNCING THEIR DEBUT TOUR!
 |
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Posts: 1792
Location: Rego Park, NY, | Waskel
I have got to spend time with PhotoShop to learn how to do this. :D That's really funny :cool: :) |
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Posts: 9301
Location: south east Michigan | Phiiiiil....
OFC tour pics first. Photoshop playtime later. :D |
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Posts: 1792
Location: Rego Park, NY, | Brad,
My film is being processed in Hollywood, Ca. I guess the paparazzi get first priority. Maybe Moody can go undercover and get my film done faster. The lab received my film on June 23rd.
So it should be any day now :( |
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Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Waskel.
You're a genius ;)
The Gert Jonnys reunite for their first tour in 30 years. |
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Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Whoops, I wasn't gonna let on...
(I didn't want to raise my target profile) |
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Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | Originally posted by Jeff W.:
Waskel.
You're a genius ;)
The Gert Jonnys reunite for their first tour in 30 years. Yeah. I had to hurry. I was sure you'd beat me to it. :rolleyes: |
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Location: closely held secret | Originally posted by Phil Wong:
My film is being processed in Hollywood, Ca. Couldn't find a one-hour photo in NY, eh? |
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Posts: 1792
Location: Rego Park, NY, | Waskel,
A friend of mine had a 30 minute photo lab for more than 10 years. He closed his lab and re openned in a location further away. He is totally digital now. I don't like the chain drugstore photo labs. They are usually operated by a pimpled faced high school drop out. The one and only time I used the chain drug store lab, the pictures came out lousy and the disc had thumbnails that were upside down and backward.
I told the kid that it was done wrong and this kid insisted that he could only feed the film into the machine one way according to the film's barcode.
The lab in Hollywood is a professional lab. I dont't like sending my film in the mail but their results are great. I found a local professional lab but their priority is medium format(Hasselblad 2 1/4 negatives). I have a Hasselblad that I use for certain jobs but I only have a 60 mm lens(38mm wideangle 35mm film equivalent. |
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Location: closely held secret | Phil, Phil, Phil....
I was kidding!
I know you take your photography seriously, or you wouldn't still be using that old-fashioned, shoot-and-hope-for-the-best film stuff. :D |
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Location: closely held secret | What's the difference between a banjo & a ukulele? |
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Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | How do you get a working musician off your front step? |
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Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | pay him for the pizza. |
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February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | Thank you. He was starting to get on my nerves. |
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Joined:
November 2003
Posts: 11039
Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Originally posted by Waskel:
What's the difference between a banjo & a ukulele? Impact force fending off attackers? |
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Joined:
September 2003
Posts: 9301
Location: south east Michigan | *****sigh***** |
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Joined:
May 2005
Posts: 327
Location: Evansville,IN | Must be the sheltered life I had, but I have never heard of the Gert Jonny's. :D
Kind of makes you wonder what they are doing now.. :D |
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Joined:
April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | I believe they be hangin at the OFC bar and grill. |
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Joined:
June 2003
Posts: 1792
Location: Rego Park, NY, | Waskel,
That's Okay. But did you pick up on the fact that I am a Pharmacist who doesn't like the big chain drug store? :rolleyes: :eek: :p |
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Joined:
May 2005
Posts: 327
Location: Evansville,IN | Now that we have the Gert Jonny's thing settled, I'll get back on topic. :)
Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they're full of little anty bodies. :D |
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Joined:
February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | Originally posted by Jeff W.:
Originally posted by Waskel:
What's the difference between a banjo & a ukulele? Impact force fending off attackers? |
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OT: Joke of the day