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April 2004
Posts: 795
Location: Texas | HOW TO SING THE BLUES –
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this mornin’...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher,
and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice: You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch… ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools arenn't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues.
So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues, "adult" means “old enough to get the chair if you shoot a man in Memphis”.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get no rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness is not the blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chompin’ on it is.
9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whisky glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could.
Ugly white people also have a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
....Oh, can you hear that wind howl?... |
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September 2006
Posts: 10777
Location: Keepin' It Weird in Portland, OR | 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get no rain.
It rains all the time in Portland, it's a drought when it don't rain for a week. How come there aren't any Blues Songs about Portland?
Too many computers? The street people have cell-phones? |
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February 2007
Posts: 75
Location: Portland, OR | Wow, that is too funny, and way too well thought out. I especially like the 'fixin to die' part. Also the 'not blues beverages'.. |
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November 2002
Posts: 3664
Location: Pacific Northwest Inland Empire | OK, what's your take on raised in the "Grapes of Wrath" culture? I can "hear" Johnny Rivers, and not Muddy Waters? |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | I've seen this before and it's great.
You also can't sing the blues if you are so poor that you have to put regular gas in the Mercedes and have to settle for the stainless steel Rolex instead of the gold one. |
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Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | We were so poor growing up that we had Xmas in black and white. |
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Posts: 3736
Location: Sunshine State, Australia | We had no electricity, so we all watched TV by candlelight. |
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Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | We were so poor, we couldn't even afford to pay attention. |
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Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | I grew up on Pork and Bean... |
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September 2006
Posts: 10777
Location: Keepin' It Weird in Portland, OR | Like a can of Ravioli...
A week's worth of main courses?
For the whole family! |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | i gotta differ with the idea that the blues cannot be played in hawaii. it seems that most the tourists who venture here and show up at the gigs my band plays at inevitably request blues tunes before the night is over. it also rains here in hilo more than the sun shines. and this is gonna really hurt, but the blues can be played on the ukulele!
Ukulele Blues Lesson |
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August 2003
Posts: 888
Location: Louisville, OH 44641 | Randy:
From what I've seen and heard, I could see a Hawaiian blues song. For example, I know Hawaiian real estate is in short supply and some stinkin rich celebs like to gobble it up. This has to be a big topic of discussion with native Hawaiians...driving up costs so Hawaiians can't afford to live in their own land. Sounds like good material for Hawaiian blues.
Also, I watched the youtube vid for Uke blues. Actually, it was pretty cool. I think the guy teaching it was from Germany. It's amazing how universal music is.
Jim |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | Yup, locals have plenty reason to sing and play the blues. Here\'s Brittni and friends doin\' a blues jam |
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June 2006
Posts: 659
Location: Hiram, Georgia | sardines and pork and beans... |
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Posts: 659
Location: Hiram, Georgia | spam jelli samiches... |
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April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | Originally posted by philmax:
spam jelli samiches... That's just gross! |
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Posts: 659
Location: Hiram, Georgia | don't like spam jelli, how 'bout a ketchup samich? :eek: |
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March 2002
Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | Right . . .
We had t'get up at Three o'Clock in the morning (half an hour before we went t'bed).
Eat a lump of dry poison.
Work 29 hours a day down at the Mill, and when we got gome, our Dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah"!! . . .
(You try t'tell the YoungPeople of Today that, . . . and the won't believe ya' . . . . .) |
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Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | At least you had something to eat...
Our neighbors were the Donner's... |
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March 2002
Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | We lived for six months with Jeffrey Dahlmer . . . |
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December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA |  |
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Posts: 659
Location: Hiram, Georgia | the other white meat, it's what's for supper :p |
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October 2005
Posts: 5332
Location: Bluffton, SC | Yep...knew something was missing while I was on vaca.
It's strangely nice to be back home. (Or is that "It's [just] strange to be back home."?) |
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August 2006
Posts: 2804
Location: ranson,wva | sangwich spread(that shit in a tube) on stale bread with that artifical chese that dont melt...jason |
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April 2006
Posts: 2491
Location: Copenhagen Denmark | It`s givin`me tha Blues.. :eek:
Vic :cool: |
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November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | But Can blue men sing the whites? |
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December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Another thing often overlooked.
You cannot play the blues on a guitar that has never been in a pawn shop.
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Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | Unless you made it yourself out of a wooden cigar box and parts found or stolen..... |
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April 2006
Posts: 2491
Location: Copenhagen Denmark | Cuban-made cigarbox ??..Tha Mambo-Blues ...
Yah Mahn.. :eek:
Vic :cool: |
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HOW TO SING THE BLUES