|
|
Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | I have always loved the blues...I always find myself playing blues when I am just noodling and have always admired the greats who write the best Blues songs...
Well, one of my good friends just sent this to me...I love it...and think you will too:
How to Write and Sing the Blues
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the ugliest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes .... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the ugliest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher -and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillac’s and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied
No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
May 2010
Posts: 27
Location: Arizona | Thanks for sharing, fun to read. Guess there's not much hope for me. Don't get to Memphis much, plus I don't have a gun. (Don't tell anybody, I live in Arizona.) |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2008
Posts: 19
| Never realized my woman's blues career potential until this post.
'Cuse me while I go feed the gator her computer! |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2010
Posts: 1227
Location: Connersville, Indiana | Hey, I love mad dog 20-20, I'm busted in half, I'm an ugly white dude, I'm old, don't like to shave, and my Blues name would have to be. Kitty Bob's used cars and BBQ. I GOT THE BLUES........
yes, no, maybe...... |
|
| |
|
Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 2150
Location: Orlando, FL | Thanks for sharing this Mike. Being a longtime (old) blues lover, I'd like to add you may have the blues if: Your baby done left you, your baby be leaving in the mornin', your baby done you wrong or you are howlin' for your baby - especially if your the causin' of it all... |
|
| |
|
Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Can you play the blues on a Banjo??? |
|
| |
|
Joined:
November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | Yes, but it's hard to get the whole band to stand on it at the same time. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2008
Posts: 2683
Location: Hot Springs, S.D. | I've got the blues BECAUSE I play banjo. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | Also, it's blues if it's mama's banjo... |
|
| |
|
Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | OK, how about blues on a Mandolin???
Since I'm learning how to play one I thought I'd ask. :D |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2008
Posts: 1851
Location: Newington, CT | Originally posted by fillhixx:
Yes, but it's hard to get the whole band to stand on it at the same time. You just need a big enough banjo...or a small enough band. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2008
Posts: 2683
Location: Hot Springs, S.D. | Do you think this one would do?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzN5K6rX2to |
|
| |
|
Joined:
September 2003
Posts: 9301
Location: south east Michigan | Only 48 seconds long.
And I want that 48 seconds back. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
August 2002
Posts: 8307
Location: Tennessee | Trade 'em for this one.
Banjo Blues |
|
| |
|
Joined:
September 2003
Posts: 9301
Location: south east Michigan | That sure as heck didn't help...
Now I'm 123 seconds in the hole. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2008
Posts: 2683
Location: Hot Springs, S.D. | Just be glad they didn't pick upthose accordions! |
|
| |
|
Joined:
September 2006
Posts: 10777
Location: Keepin' It Weird in Portland, OR | Okay, I was looking for a YT blues banjo video to post...
There are a bunch of them.
But once I sampled three or four, looking for a good one was just to Painful!
Sorry I couldn't help ya' out there.... |
|
| |
|
Joined:
August 2002
Posts: 8307
Location: Tennessee | Originally posted by Slipkid:
That sure as heck didn't help...
Now I'm 123 seconds in the hole. OK then. Go to the Song-O-Th'Day thread (on Page 14) and watch the Johnny B. Goode performance. DeBanjo is THE MAN! |
|
| |
|
Joined:
September 2003
Posts: 9301
Location: south east Michigan | Ha!!!
Now I owe you!! |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 2793
Location: Atlanta, GA. | Best Banjo Blues going...
The video is as good as the music!!! |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 2793
Location: Atlanta, GA. | ACKKKK!!!
how'd THAT happen? |
|
| |
|
Joined:
October 2005
Posts: 4081
Location: Utah | Now that list is pretty much a challenge to write the "Spilled My Latte in the BMW Blues". |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2006
Posts: 1017
Location: Budd Lake, NJ | Looking at this from the perspective of the femalefolk, my absolutely most favoritest blues song is Dolly Parton's "PMS Blues." :D :D Now THAT's blues (and don't you menfolk try to be tellin' me any different...) ;) ;)
--Karen |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2009
Posts: 715
| Mike, thanks for sharing this! It was a hoot.
I wonder if there is a "how to write a country song" counterpart to this.
Michelle |
|
| |
|
Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Originally posted by Guitarzannie:
Mike, thanks for sharing this! It was a hoot.
I wonder if there is a "how to write a country song" counterpart to this.
Michelle What do you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your truck back... |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2010
Posts: 1227
Location: Connersville, Indiana | Don't forget your dog back also. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2009
Posts: 715
| Originally posted by Capo Guy:
Originally posted by Guitarzannie:
Mike, thanks for sharing this! It was a hoot.
I wonder if there is a "how to write a country song" counterpart to this.
Michelle What do you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your truck back...
I guess if your wife left you and took your dog and your truck, and you only want your dog and truck back, you could be a country songwriter! :D
Michelle |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2010
Posts: 1227
Location: Connersville, Indiana | That's right a good dog and good truck are hard to come by
:eek: |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2009
Posts: 715
| Originally posted by kitmann:
That's right a good dog and good truck are hard to come by
:eek: :D :D
If you hire a wino to decorate your trailer, you could be a country songwriter. If you someone from HGTV to decorate your condo, ain't no way are you gonna be a country songwriter!
Michelle |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2010
Posts: 1227
Location: Connersville, Indiana | I don't wear cowboy hats, no pointed toe, manure smelling boots, I don't have one tan arm from sticking out the window, with my sleeves cut off, no pepsi can on the center counsel to spit in, and I will not say "YEEEEEEE HAAAAAA" at the end of a song. I guess I'll stick with the blues. Being a country singer is too much work. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | Being a country singer is too much work.
:D |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | Originally posted by kitmann:
Being a country singer is too much work. not if you're domestically challenged! |
|
| |
|
Joined:
November 2005
Posts: 4833
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | Originally posted by Guitarzannie:
I wonder if there is a "how to write a country song" counterpart to this. "Country music is three chords and the truth."
Harlan Howard |
|
| |
|
Joined:
December 2008
Posts: 1456
Location: Texas | Originally posted by fillhixx:
Originally posted by Guitarzannie:
I wonder if there is a "how to write a country song" counterpart to this. "Country music is three chords and the truth."
Harlan Howard
Well, I was drunk the day my Mom got outta prison.
And I went to pick her up in the rain.
But, before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a damned old train.
-S. Goodman/J. Prine |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2009
Posts: 715
| I guess I'll stick with the blues. Being a country singer is too much work. Hey, it doesn't take much effort to brush one tooth! :D (not saying that you have just one tooth).
Michelle |
|
| |
|
Joined:
November 2009
Posts: 152
Location: Corpus Christi, TX | I be lieve you can have the blues on a golf course
"I got those putting for a birdie three putting bogey blues"
Noputtin "Wheels fell off" Glen
Just call me No Wheels for short |
|
| |
|
Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 2150
Location: Orlando, FL | I woke up this afternoon, I saw both cars were gone.
I woke up this afternoon, I saw both cars were gone.
I felt so low down deep inside, I threw my drink across the lawn
From Ukulele Blues by Martin Mull and his Fabulous Furniture. He played it on a uke with a baby bottle for a slide. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
May 2008
Posts: 1565
Location: Indiana | These days you'll find lots more country songwriters with tat's, piercing's, and croc's... than toothless cowboys with dung on their boots. ;) |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2010
Posts: 1227
Location: Connersville, Indiana | I know just having fun, my brother, is a country singer. But think about it. You know why county singers always wear snap shirts instead of button, They missed the class on unbuttoning a shirt. And do you know why county bars they line dance. It's because they forgot to bring a date. :eek: Oops did I say that. I wold still rather play the blues. A blues Name: Rotten grape Kitty Bush. :D |
|
| |
|
Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | You can't really play a blues song on a guitar that has never been in a pawn shop. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2010
Posts: 1227
Location: Connersville, Indiana | And you must use a slide to play the blues, Not one of those, table looking guitars, that the sound emulates scratching a chalkboard with you fingernails. You must carry a straight razor if you want to play the blues, not a bic disposable or electric razor, a good old fashioned, sharpened on the leather strap straight razor. :D :D :D |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | You must carry a straight razor if you want to play the blues, not a bic disposable or electric razor, a good old fashioned, sharpened on the leather strap straight razor. [Big Grin] [Big Grin] [Big Grin]
Actually, a beer bottle works really well...preferably one that is not half full of beer (it's a good idea to always consume the contents before using the container...) :rolleyes: ;) :D |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2010
Posts: 1227
Location: Connersville, Indiana | What Kind of drinks to blues Players and Country Players drink?
Might be an issued if you not drinking beer and you need the bottle, for a slide or defense. :eek: |
|
| |
|
Joined:
May 2008
Posts: 1565
Location: Indiana | I used to co-write with Jose Cuervo... Real a**hole. |
|
| |
|
Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | I hear you Jonmark...I don't think I'll go anywhere near there...
On second thought: I knew his cousin: Jack Daniels...obviously a strong family resemblance...lol |
|
| |
|
Joined:
April 2010
Posts: 1227
Location: Connersville, Indiana | What about Brass Monkey, I had the privilege of meeting him in Germany, Not a type of guy I want to meet again.
Still didn't make the music any better :eek: |
|
| |
How to Write and Sing the Blues