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Posts: 425
Location: SE Michigan | THERE'S A NEW SET OF RULES NOW!!
Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work
Strong hints do not work
Obvious hints do not work
Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape. |
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Joined:
April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | A couple of unnamed prominent OFCers can tell you what "mauve" is! :rolleyes: |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | Yes, mauve has been defined.
Good luck getting the rule, There was only one right, numbered 1? accepted. |
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Joined:
January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | Remember:
A woman's like a customer, you know they're always right
Boy, don't you forget that, You'll save yourself some fights
But it's temptation, to prove them wrong
It's temptation, but Boy, you won't live that long |
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Joined:
October 2007
Posts: 2711
Location: Vernon CT | With respect to the women members here,
It's great to be finally understood!! Even if it is from a bunch of Middle aged men who got nothing better to do then read and post on this site! ;) |
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May 2003
Posts: 4389
Location: Capital District, NY, USA Minor Outlying Islands | Brian,
That's more like a wishlist. |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | Like one of those dreams you have just before she hits you with the pillow, wakes you up and says "Get your feet off the couch!" |
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March 2002
Posts: 15674
Location: SoCal | When we have an argument and I'm wrong I apologize immediately. When she's wrong, I still apologize immediately, 'cause if she gets the chance to explain it to me, somehow, some way, I'm going to be wrong. Apologizing immediately just saves time... |
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October 2005
Posts: 5331
Location: Cicero, NY | Nice. Sometimes I think I shoulda married you, Paul.
Then I think how much you would've hated Friday nights... |
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March 2005
Posts: 12759
Location: Boise, Idaho | I got married when I was in law school and it didn't take long for me to learn that in divorce, the guy always loses. Sometimes the woman loses too and guys like Cliff would say the lawyer is the only winner.
After a few years of marriage I learned that the rule that applied to divorces also applies to marriage.
Rule 1 and only: The guy always loses. I have a much more optimistic friend (it's easier to be more optimistic than I am) who phrases it as "If Momma's happy, everyone's happy."
Just other ways of saying ditto to what Paul said. |
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July 2002
Posts: 1900
| Lawyers ARE the only winners, they get paid when win and paid when they lose... :rolleyes: ;) |
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March 2005
Posts: 12759
Location: Boise, Idaho | I forgot about you, Steve. I didn't want to trip your switch again. Many lawyers don't get paid when they lose and some even if they win, unlike professional athletes. |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | Just remember women are great house keepers. In almost every divorce they get to keep the house. |
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September 2006
Posts: 10777
Location: Keepin' It Weird in Portland, OR | I have never been Legally Married...
A woman sez to me, "We oughta get Married, Honey"...
I respond, "Why don't I just Give you All My Stuff right Now? It'll be quicker and save the lawyer fees!"
[Now that we have alienated all the Women in the Club... :eek: ] |
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February 2008
Posts: 247
Location: Delaware | Married, divorced, never again. Next time I'm just gonna find a b!tch I really hate and buy her a house !!! |
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March 2008
Posts: 2683
Location: Hot Springs, S.D. | OK, it's my turn. And remember, I'm a woman, so of course I'm always right. :D
When I divorced Joe, I told him he could keep the house. All I wanted was my life back. I, of course, kept my guitars and my clothes, but that was about it. Smartest move I ever made.
When Steve and I got divorced, it was by mutual consent. We drove down to the courthouse together, signed the papers, then went back to my apartment. I made us some lunch and we played guitar together all afternoon. He kept his guitars, I kept mine. We shared custody of all our friends, and even his family still considers me as one of them.
Will I ever marry again? Not a chance! I don't care what you guys say, cold porceline in the middle of the night, snoring, picking up after them, it's just not worth it!
Oh, and if you want me to dress like a Victoria's Secret girl, you'd damn well better check the oil, and the tire pressure, and the anti-freeze! (but if you want to have an old lady like me dress like that, you've got bigger problems than auto maintenance.) :o |
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January 2006
Posts: 5881
Location: Colorado Rocky Mountains | I just give SWMBO a huge amount of space, and then try never to step into it. Its been working many years. |
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March 2005
Posts: 12759
Location: Boise, Idaho | In spite of all my complaining (I'm sure SWMBO never complains about me) I have been blessed with 31 great years. She pisses me off on a regular basis and that is reciprocal, but it has been well worth it. |
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April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | I hear ya Mark. 33 years for me but the same situation. |
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Joined:
August 2005
Posts: 3736
Location: Sunshine State, Australia | Deja vu!
And a few more courtesy of TexasDoc (07/02/26)
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
1. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
1. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
1. Don't ever ask, "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
1. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
1. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
1. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Don't give us 75 rules when 40 will do.
1. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
1. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
1. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
1. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
1. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. |
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Joined:
March 2008
Posts: 2683
Location: Hot Springs, S.D. | 1. OK, I won't cut my hair EVER, if you promise to WASH yours occasionally.
1. Don't need presents, but acknowledging that you know what day it is would be nice.
1. You'd be surprised that I'm not always thinking about you either.
1. I'll get rid of my cat the day you prove to me that you're smarter than her.
1. Cats are MUCH smarter than dogs. My friend has to keep her dogs out of the room with the litter box, because the dogs like to "clean" it out. Cats don't eat...that stuff.
1. I don't care if you think she's prettier than me, she still won't give YOU a second look.
1. Of COURSE they're idiots! They're men aren't they?
1. Miss all you want, but for heaven's sake, CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!
1. Just shut up and buy me some new shoes.
1. Don't confuse Mom's sympathy for me with friendship.
1. Once in a while, we like to see films about the type of guy who remembers to put the seat down.
1. Why try to give you rules at all when you're incapable of understanding them?
1. If we didn't fake it as often as we do, half of you guys would have committed suicide by now!
1. It's not in our best interest to do a LOT of things together.
1. Ogle all you want, as long as you can allow me to have an intelligent conversation about books or music, with some good-looking dude, without getting jealous.
1. GENIE?!! Now THAT'S FUNNY!!!
1. Go golfing, please! I need time to recover from the "genie"!
1. Airbrushing is perfectly fine in magazines. It's the "airbrushing" in your MINDS that worries us. (GENIE!!! ROFL!) |
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August 2005
Posts: 3736
Location: Sunshine State, Australia | 
You're good, CS! |
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October 2005
Posts: 803
Location: Avondale, AZ | Rule #1 is the most important. |
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February 2008
Posts: 247
Location: Delaware | C S, Touche', Very good !! |
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March 2002
Posts: 15674
Location: SoCal | Somebody once said that they came from a large family and they never knew what it was like to sleep alone until they got married..... |
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December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Originally posted by moody, p.i.:
Somebody once said that they came from a large family and they never knew what it was like to sleep alone until they got married.....  |
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March 2005
Posts: 12759
Location: Boise, Idaho | CS, did you come up with that on your own in a half hour or did you find it? If it's yours, you should copywrite it. Nice job.
For the record, I always put the seat down and close the lid. She rarely closes the lid. I hate when the dog or cat decides it's a good place for a drink.
Almost stepped on a cat turd the dog must have dropped in the hall last night. Our dog's female. My two male dogs never bothered the catbox. |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | Excellent Alison!
I've got 26 years, this time....
I never get in trouble about putting the seat up or down, I just go outside with the dog. Neighbors get upset sometimes but screw them. |
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November 2005
Posts: 1126
Location: Omaha, NE | What's the point of owning property if you can't use it? |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | Exactly! |
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January 2006
Posts: 5881
Location: Colorado Rocky Mountains | CS, you really are very good! You'd think we'd quit while we're only this far behind. My brother solved the seat down problem. When he built his last house, he installed a urinal in his garage/workshop bathroom. Its about the only one he ever uses. |
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Joined:
March 2002
Posts: 15674
Location: SoCal | Originally posted by Mauvais Beal:
Excellent Alison!
I've got 26 years, this time....
I never get in trouble about putting the seat up or down, I just go outside with the dog. Neighbors get upset sometimes but screw them. It's a bonding thing..... |
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Joined:
March 2008
Posts: 2683
Location: Hot Springs, S.D. | Thanks for the compliments. It was all mine. I just took the previous survey and answered them 1. by 1. :D
And just for the record, men and women have always been, and always will be different. It sure is a good thing! |
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April 2004
Posts: 13303
Location: Latitude 39.56819, Longitude -105.080066 | Quick witted for sure. Very funny responses! |
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March 2005
Posts: 12759
Location: Boise, Idaho | You might be sharp enough to figure out how to convince my wife to load up all the guitars in the Pilot and come visit you. You speak the language better than I do, and also speak guitar. Bilingual. |
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Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 5567
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains | I know in my heart that I will never deserve SWMBO...she is a gift and I am not worthy!
But, I am learning that she and I have a large responsibility raising our children...and that takes a lot of give and take: she and I giving and them taking...lol |
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Joined:
April 2008
Posts: 2985
Location: Sydney, Australia | I'm with Mike. I don't deserve my SWMBO either. Lucky for me, she doesn't (and probably never will) realise that.
Marriage is physically good for us blokes. Married men live longer than single men. Don't tell the women, but single women live longer than married women, but the women outlive the men regardless, so they still get their revenge. |
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Joined:
April 2006
Posts: 1017
Location: Budd Lake, NJ | A few questions from her to him:
If "round is a shape," why are coffins shaped like rectangles? Are you sure you want me to special order one for you?
What is the difference between plain ogling and that which requires corrective surgery?
If you are the source of the headache, which doctor would you suggest I schedule the appointment with?
Ali, you are awesome--I always look forward to your posts with great anticipation.
And I am really glad for the guys I've had the opportunity to "meet" here--I may not always agree with everything, but I appreciate you all.
--Karen |
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January 2002
Posts: 14127
Location: 6 String Ranch | Post #500 Karen, very good!
See you in October?
The parts you don't agree with we were probably making up anyway, you know how guys are......... |
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Joined:
April 2006
Posts: 1017
Location: Budd Lake, NJ | I debated a bit about which post would get the 500th one, and this one seemed like a good choice.
And yes, October is definitely in the works. :D The "Invasion of the Jersey Girls" isn't just the potential title for a B-grade movie.... ;)
And I'm glad for all the helpful hints contained in this thread--wouldn't want to commit any social faux pas!
--Karen |
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Joined:
March 2007
Posts: 302
Location: Buffalo,NY | I have always lived by the one seemingly simple but true path to happiness: "whatever my wife says ,just do that". This has kept me married for 30 years.
Yes , I fall off the wagon on many occasions.
Yes , I often start doubting the wisdom of this universal truth.
Yes, when I get together with my friends, I talk very bravely about how I'm not going to follow this path any longer.How I will put her in her place and show her who is boss, etc , etc.
But in the end, I always come back to this simple plan, this simple truth. From it comes the harmony of the universe.
I'm sure that Confucius must have originally discovered this truth because it does appear to have universal as well as timeless application.
I try to give this advice to all newly wed guys; some listen; some don't . Many will come back years later and will tell me that they have now learned the wisdom of those words but had to travel the difficult road on their own to truly understand them. Many bear the scars and painful stories that go along with trying to waver from this enlightened path; but in the end ,peace and nirvana are only be achieved through what appears so simple a truth yet we still find so hard to follow.
Regards,
Tom |
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March 2008
Posts: 2683
Location: Hot Springs, S.D. | On the eve of my first wedding, my husband and I received some of the best advice I have ever heard. (Too bad one of us didn't follow it. :C ) It was simply this: Don't ever do anything for yourself, unless it is also good for the marriage. Don't ever do anything for your spouse unless it is also good for the marriage. Put the marriage above the individual at all times.
Now I realize that someone who has failed at marriage as many times as I have is in no position to give advice, but here it is anyway. |
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February 2005
Posts: 11840
Location: closely held secret | Reminds me of a friend who gave me all kinds of plumbing advice when I was building an addition. When it came time to do the work I asked him to help me. He said, "No, you don't want ME to help you. I totally messed mine up when I did it." |
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October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | it may be "un-manly", but i always sit down to p at home. i've been teased by my grown stepsons about this but my wife is well-pleased. |
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December 2003
Posts: 13996
Location: Upper Left USA | In the dead of night you won't have to turn on any lights to aim!
I was part of a mad experiment were we "blended" families. "They" never did learn to shut a bathroom door, replace the back up TP role or shut the seat before leaving. Bless their hearts...
A long time ago I prayed to be surrounded by beautiful women.
Be careful what you ask for. :rolleyes:
M(3 girls and a wife)Woody
BTW - I was avoiding this thread because as W2 so aptly put it: "A Woman's like a Customer..." |
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Joined:
October 2006
Posts: 5575
Location: big island | Originally posted by MWoody:
In the dead of night you won't have to turn on any lights to aim!
it's not a totally faultless solution though. there's a challenge in waking up with a P.H.O., sitting down to p and not taking a morning dip. |
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Joined:
January 2006
Posts: 1483
Location: Michigan | Well Im proud to say that im the MAN of the house in our relationship and she even asked me to do a you tube song about how well our marriage works. GWB
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fj4vLZJhNEk |
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New rules for women when dealing with men