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Location: Michigan | Since you have a great post going on nose & ear hairs I have an issue with a very SORE HEMORROID at the moment.
I am in severe pain just to sit down and try to get back up.I have to be on my feet most of the day so I am walking a little funny and I am tired of lying to people who ask what is wrong with you and telling them that my back went out.How can I tell someone that I have a HEMORRIOD that is angry at me and is hanging down to my ankles???
Can you guys relate???
What would be the proper way to tell someone that you are having HEMORRIOD problems???
Have anyone of you experienced HEMORRIODS.
To make this a legitimate post I am thinking of using my Adamas high E-string to rip the sucker out.
I am trying to drown out the pain with a Whiskey bottle.GWB |
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Location: GA USA | Don't believe I'd have told that one, bro. |
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Location: East Tennessee | HEMORRHOIDS.
They are a pain in the ass. :D
At least you're not on the nightly news.
I remember when Jimmy Carter,(AKA Howdy Doody) was president and he had hemorrhoids. It was all over the 6:00 news. |
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Location: Cherry Hill, NJ | Be careful, the whiskey bottle may inflame the hemorrhoid even more. |
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Location: Upper Left USA | I may regret this but it would be wrong not to try and help out an OFC'er in dire need. I learned a lot from the post pregnancies of my first wife.
Warm baths and those pads called "Tucks". They are no more than cotton facial pads soaked in the non-alcohol Witch Hazel. Soak one and tuck it between the cheek and, er, other cheek. It is an astringent that will aid in the shrinking of blood vessels.
That and next time you go to have a movement bring a copy of "The Book" or a Stewmac catalog and "T-A-K-E I-T S-L-O-W"!
You can thank me later. :) |
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Location: Tennessee | Well, OK then. I think you've just figured out what it's like to have PMS.
Tommy, I do believe GWB was putting the whiskey bottle to his lips and letting it do it's work in the normal fashion, as opposed to using the bottle as a direct analgesic. |
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Location: Michigan | 5120 members and I am the only one with Hemorriods !!! BullS*^T
Its time to come out of the closet OFCers...GWB |
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Location: San Bernardino, California | Tip: Don't eat popcorn when you have hemorroids. |
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Location: Upper Left USA | You are not alone.
Did you think we were perfect a$$h01es? |
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Location: Capital District, NY, USA Minor Outlying Islands | There is no proper way to tell people about hemorroids ... so just blurt it out like you got turrets. At least they'll stay away from you and besides, honesty is the best policy. |
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Location: Hicksville, NY | Ana Mantle -- it's only available with a prescription. Ask your physician to prescribe it for you, and relief will be a lot quicker than all them over_the_counter creams.
In the meantime, those Tucks pads (as per MWoody) do come in handy. |
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Location: Marlton, NJ | I don't know what to say... I'm going to play Stairway to Heaven.... :eek: |
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Location: Michigan | an4340 , after telling people nobody wants to shake my hand anymore.GWB |
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Location: Pacific Northwest Inland Empire | Social stigma, pure & simple. Medical condition, needs medical care. Pay me now, pay me later. It's marginally acceptable to discuss your prostate health, but colon function- too anxiety-producing for most folks.
Remember the ol' saw about "The Boss Of The Body"?
Git 'er done, Bud. |
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Location: big island | I heard about this farmer who raised pigs and loved to eat chittlin's (chitterlings). One of his pigs had a bad case of hemorrhoids so he figured he could always have chittlin's without having to kill the pig. Go figure... |
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Location: Reno, NV | Originally posted by Lanaki:
I heard about this farmer who raised pigs and loved to eat chittlin's (chitterlings). One of his pigs had a bad case of hemorrhoids so he figured he could always have chittlin's without having to kill the pig. Go figure... NOOOOOOOOO!!! :eek: |
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Location: Sunshine State, Australia | Originally posted by CrimsonLake:
I don't know what to say... I'm going to play Stairway to Heaven.... :eek: Or, more appropriately, Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire |
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Location: GA USA | Lanaki, after 13 posts, you may be my new favorite person. |
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Location: 6 String Ranch | That just ain't right! |
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Location: CT | Originally posted by guitarwannabee:
5120 members and I am the only one with Hemorriods !!! BullS*^T
Its time to come out of the closet OFCers...GWB A lot of members, yes, but most of those have ZERO posts. Many just came to look, or had a question answered then went away (or were frightened or offended). It's only the few dedicated OFCers with no social life and nothing better to do at home or at work than stare at this site all day. |
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Location: NJ | Hydrocortisone Cream perscirption strength 3%
be careful it contains steroids
drink plenty of water.
warm baths
fluids and fruits
soups applesauce etc
rest plenty of bed rest |
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Location: Lake Hiawatha, New Jersey | You may want to put some epsom salts in the bath too. |
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Location: south east Michigan | I've been home for a couple days with strep throat. After reading this thread, my throat don't seem so bad. |
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Location: NJ | Brad
chicken soup
plenty of fluids
water gatorade etc
no colas or caffienated beverages
no milk or dairy products
aspirin or my personal favorite
robitussin
you can gargle with Cepacol mouthwash also |
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Location: south east Michigan | Thank you Dr. Feelgood!! |
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Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | ". . . . Paging, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Pep . . . ." |
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Location: Boise, Idaho | Thank you for not posting pictures. |
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Location: NJ | the alcohol content of robitussin was so much higher in the old days... not that I would know anything about that. |
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Location: St. Petersburg, FL USA | MWoody is absolutely right - speed KILLS. Take a stack of reading material into the bathroom & never rush again.
Also, drink water - lots of it. This is crucial for the long term as well.
I think if you tell people you have "reasons" for not wanting to sit down they'll get the hint. I wish I had something funny to say about this, but I've been thru it too & it's no laughing matter... |
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Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | Originally posted by JohnnyMac:
I think if you tell people you have "reasons" for not wanting to sit down they'll get the hint. You can just feel this one hanging out there in the air... waiting to get pounced on |
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Location: closely held secret | Originally posted by Jeff W.:
You can just feel this one hanging out there in the air... waiting to get pounced on Jeffy, you have such a way with words. |
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Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | ;) |
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Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | What ever you do, don't let the cat see it! :eek:
(song selection for this thread, Killing Me Softly With His Thong!) |
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Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | There went my water...
(noooo, I was drinking it) |
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Location: Michigan | I am doing a correction on my H-ROIDS,
I went to the Dr. today and I have a bunch of INNIES not outies that are causing my problems plus IM NOT having any B.M.s. ( A RELEASE OF THE HOSTAGE )
I now have to put these bullet shaped things into my Virgin backwoods hole and they are not accepting them well.
They melt..
They pop out
There has to be a better way.
This is the latest update.
To Mark in Bosie, ( pictures live at 10:00 ) GWB |
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Location: Copenhagen Denmark | Now , Pastor BRAINSLAG..I do have a social life..and this is the " hang out " where I socialize.. :D ;)
:cool:
Vic |
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Location: Midland, MI | I'm sorry to report that the MidMichigan Contingent is 'roid free. Although I do have an ex-wife. |
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Location: NJ | i have one word for you
vegetables |
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Location: ms | You have to use something to plug the hole to keep those bullets in! get creative... |
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Location: Midland, MI | Originally posted by alpep:
i have one word for you
vegetables That's for the ex-wife? |
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Location: NJ | Originally posted by cruster:
Originally posted by alpep:
i have one word for you
vegetables That's for the ex-wife? |
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Location: Michigan | Hey Al, I think I found out a use for those Ovation Air Locks that you sold me a few months back.I just have to pick the correct size out.Thanks.GWB |
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Location: Atlanta, GA. | GWB, start with the smallest.
Everybody else, DON'T BUY ANY USED AIRLOCKS FROM GWB!!!
Haven't the Docs in MI heard of "banding"? |
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Location: East Tennessee | Prune Juice? :confused: :D |
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Location: Hicksville, NY | Try taking some fiber. If you can't take the chalky like substance, take them in pill form. The "B.M. s" should be taking place at any time.
If it's more of an innie thing instead of an outie, check out Ana Mantle, and ask the doctor to prescribe it (hopefully, he/she has some samples too). |
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Location: Boise, Idaho | This is one topic that it's probably a good thing if you don't know what you're talking about. |
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Location: big island | Not long ago, when I was doing a Bible study, I happened upon 1 Samuel, chapters 5-8, where the Philistines were struck with a plague of hemorrhoids ("emerods in their private parts") for mis-handling the Ark of the Covenant and worshipping their pagan god, Dagon. Not only were they afflicted, they then made golden images of their hemorrhoids as a reminder of their affliction! Too bad they didn't have those bullet shaped wax suppositories then! |
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Location: Michigan | I can barely walk today.Every move is pure torture. I am finding a comfortable spot and not moving until I have to MOVE something which will most likely kill me anyway.I cannot take pain killers for they plug you up so I have been in and out of the tub 4 times today with very little relief.It was nice hanging with you guys.
Please bury me me butt up so everybody will no what an asshole I was.GWB |
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Location: North Idaho | Sorry to hear your so uncomfortable. Many years ago, I popped a hemi while at work. Not having any prep-h and with unbelievable burning in my posterior, I went out in the machine shop and grabbed the first thing I found--a tube of very thick, black moly-lith multipurpose grease. Out of desperation, I made a hasty application and, to my surprise, got nearly instant relief. I've been fortunate not to have any flareups since, but my wife has used it since several times and thrown away the tucks and prep-h. I can't vouch for the safety, but it works. Note: You will have to throw away your shorts cause it sure don't wash out. |
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Location: Madison, Wisconsin | I believe this forum has sunk to an all time low. I just hope there's nobody from the Acoustic Guitar board looking in. Vaginal warts anyone? |
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Location: Midland, MI | Originally posted by tdeej:
...a tube of very thick, black moly-lith multipurpose grease... Tim, that reminds me of something my grandfather did once. He and my grandmother had this old, black poodle named Rudy. He was pretty advanced in years, the dog, with his fur having taken on a slightly greyish, charcoal hue.
Rudy had developed a cyst or tumor or something on his right side, almost all the way back to his leg. Well, all the hair around it turned completely grey, then fell out completely. It was really strange to see this one bald patch on their dog.
Well, one weekend, my folks took us up there and the dog looked different. My sister and I couldn't really figure out why, though. My dad took one look at him and said, "How did you get his fur to grow back? And why is it so black?"
My grandfather, it turned out, was working out in his shop and the dog happened to come in to see what he was doing. Apparently, he (my grandfather) got the bright idea to spray some WD-40 on the dogs bald patch. Nobody really knows why, and I don't think he ever volunteered a justifcation for how he arrived at that decision.
Anyway, one good soaking with WD-40 and a couple weeks later, he had this luxurious, silky jet-black fur where previously he had scaly, whitish-pink skin. I wasn't the only one who thought the growth had shrunk, either.
The amazing thing was that it didn't seem to have affected the dog negatively at all. To the contrary, he seemed pretty spunky compared to his old self. The only thing that could have been considered strange was that Rudy, when he needed to urinate, would hoist both back legs in the air, balancing on his forepaws. When he was done, he'd take a couple of steps forward before dropping his rear paws to the ground. Somewhere, I'm sure, my parents still have pictures of that.
Have you noticed any change in habits or behavior since you've started using the molylube?
:D
(The story of Rudy is true, every word of it) |
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| Old People! |
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Location: NJ | I'll take "Threads I Wished I'd Never Read" for $400, Alex . . . |
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Location: Cicero, NY | ...and I definitely do not want to poll the audience, Reg. |
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Location: East Tennessee | This topic has replaced the "Nose Hair" thread as most popular.
We truly have sunk to a new low. :D
GWB,
I do hope you're feeling better soon. |
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Location: Marlton, NJ | If someone starts a Chlamydia thread I'm outta here :( |
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Location: Midland, MI | Originally posted by Gospel Guitar Guy:
This topic has replaced the "Nose Hair" thread as most popular.
We truly have sunk to a new low. :D
GWB,
I do hope you're feeling better soon. Most popular? Hardly...heck, it doesn't even have llama pictures! Nowhere near as popular as the llama threads. :p |
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Location: South of most, North of few | "Anyway, one good soaking with WD-40 and a couple weeks later, he had this luxurious, silky jet-black fur where previously he had scaly, whitish-pink skin."
OK, I'm soaking the top of my head in WD40 today. |
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Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | ya think WD40 might clear up a case of chlamydia? |
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Location: Michigan | Im starting to think that is is more than just a HEMI.,On my way to the Emergency room.Wish me luck.GWB |
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Location: Boise, Idaho | Jim, have you tried the WD40 and, if so, has it worked yet? I'm about to go out in the garage and figured I'd give my head a shot. Do they make WD40 with a lemon scent or something? And will I have trouble keeping my hat on? |
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Location: Tennessee | Good luck GWB. I hope it's no worse than just a bad 'roid ... all joking aside. |
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Location: Atlanta, GA. | jpcannon,
Have you given any consideration how you might look with "luxurious, silky jet-black fur" on top of your head??? |
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Location: South of most, North of few | Beleive me, it would be better than the barren spot thats there now. :eek: |
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Location: South of most, North of few | Originally posted by Mark in Boise:
Jim, have you tried the WD40 and, if so, has it worked yet?
Yes, and it leaves a nice shine. Looks kind of like a buffed peach.
Originally posted by Mark in Boise: And will I have trouble keeping my hat on? Not if you use my patented super glue retainer system. |
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Location: Midland, MI | Originally posted by guitarwannabee:
Im starting to think that is is more than just a HEMI.,On my way to the Emergency room.Wish me luck.GWB Good luck GWB. I hope everything comes out OK. |
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Location: South of most, North of few | GWB, on a serious note, hope your problem is resolved soon. We have fun with this, trying to releive the hurt, but I beleive I speak for all of us when I say we wish the best for you. Keep us posted. |
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Location: ranson,wva | gwb...its a real pain in the ass..no pun intended....hope you soon recover..jason |
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Location: North Idaho | Originally posted by Gospel Guitar Guy:
This topic has replaced the "Nose Hair" thread as most popular.
We truly have sunk to a new low. :D
GWB,
I do hope you're feeling better soon. shrinking assets is generally a lowering problem... |
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Location: Michigan | Thanks for all of the humor & wellwishing about my issue.
I just got back from the hospital and found out that I do not have an angry Hemmoroid but I have PERI-ANAL-ABCESS on the inside of my ANUS.The doctor felt it was just a little to premature to lance it so it could drain so he is giving me heavy duty antibiodics along with Vicodin and some other painkiller.Im telling you I have never experianced pain down there this severe and I hope I never have to again.I am going to stay knocked out on Painkillers and sleeping pills for the next two or three days until this thing goes away.
Thanks again for having a little fun with me on the subject , I guess it is some type of therepy talking about it.
P.S. I have some Suppositories and a sightly used tube of some Proctosol-HC 2.5% Anal creame if anyone wants it N/C. The creame could really speed up the action on an old dryed out guitar neck .thanks for letting me be sick . GWB |
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Location: NJ | "PERI-ANAL-ABCESS"
Great band name. |
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Location: Tennessee | Originally posted by cliff:
"PERI-ANAL-ABCESS"
Great band name. Lance and the ...
Go Punk Pop. |
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Location: South of most, North of few | GWB, had one of those. I was going to suggest that, butt... (sorry), I'm not a doctor. I know what they're like. They just keep getting more and more and more.... well, you know what I mean. I don't know if they ever go away, butt, (sorry again) you learn to do when they flare up, so to speak, and they aren't so bad. Just something that comes with age I think.. |
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Location: Midland, MI | I used to work with this guy who told a joke and the punch line was "Everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go Honda." Not that you'd want to be the butt of anyone's joke.
Glad to hear that you got it looked at and they gave you something for it. Hopefully, you'll be back to normal in no time. |
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Location: south east Michigan | cheeky. |
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Location: Michigan | I am home recovering tonight from the Butt sugery today and I hope that myself or any of you will ever have to go through it.
I am wearing a Maxi Pad on my ass that I have to change daily and then pull out 6 inches of packing for the next few days .
My sweety and I just got done with the first change and packing pull & snip. After a few extreemly nasty vulgar shouts at her for not doing it the proper way , that I would have done it if I had arms and eyes in the back of my head , it is over and I still love my girl.She has been putting up with me for a week on this issue and that is hard to deal with. You OFCers have been putting up with my play by play commentary when she isnt. I appreciate the thoughts , replys and the having alot of fun with it, it does help me get a good laugh in and I can sure use one right now.GWB |
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Location: ranson,wva | i trust that your ass will be back to normal in a week or so....im sure your glad that its over..they can be a real pain in the ass...jason |
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Location: Marlton, NJ | You two guys can start your own clinic!
I hope you both recover quickly from your various ailments.
Mike |
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| having to wear a maxi-pad? what a royal pain in the arse! :eek: |
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Location: south east Michigan | That's it..
I'm done with this thread.
At about 1 a.m. I had to get up and let the dog out. While I'm waiting, I check up on the OFC and read about GWB's surgery and the results. So I let Sophie back in, hit rack and fade off to dreamland. Do I dream about getting a #47 for Christmas or getting cozy with Kate Beckinsale??? Noooo! Instead I dream that I'm afficted with the same curse as GWB.
I hope you get better soon GWB, but I'm outta here.
Gone.
See ya. |
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Location: Earth·SolarSystem·LocalInterstellarCloud·Local Bub | lemme help'ya out, Brad....
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Location: East Tennessee | GWB,
Glad you're finally on the mend.
BTW; Thanks for being so good about being "The BUTT" of our comedic talents". :D |
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Location: SoCal | You gotta be careful when posting a subject like this 'cause it could come back and bite you in the ass..... |
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Location: ms | Why am i reading this, has my life sunk to a new low? |
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Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | Yes.
But there is still undiscovered country down here. |
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Location: Cicero, NY | HEY! Keep it down up there!! |
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Location: Michigan | Im sorry Brad , I never intended this post to become part of your dreams .
I just wish I would wake up and it would all be over with .
I only have one more hurdle to cross and that is my first Bowel Movement after the surgery.When that is accomplished I will post it and you will not hear from me about this subject again.
I will say that we must be an interesting bunch since from what I see this is the top post for the month right now .
What does that say about us ??? GWB |
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Location: Cicero, NY | That we're a bunch of a$$hole sympathizers?
Ok. Sorry 'bout that.
Hope you're feeling better, gwb. |
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Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | Many of us are 'of an age' when we talk about this sort of thing...only because we have no recent sexual conquests to brag/lie about.
Next it's discussing surgery scars. |
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Location: Cicero, NY | And, God help us, IBS. |
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Location: big island | GWB,
You're gonna "post your bowel movement"? Hold the photos please! |
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Location: ms | Anybody got acid reflux? |
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Location: big island | well...i did some acid back in the 70's a few times. reflux? perhaps a few more brain farts than usual... |
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Location: Boise, Idaho | If we talked about sex, no one would believe us. It's amazing that we can talk about guitars as much as we do. As they say, opinions are like a**holes, everybody's got one. This thread just combined that into a discussion about a**holes. |
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Joined:
May 2004
Posts: 2850
Location: Midland, MI | Originally posted by fillhixx:
Yes.
But there is still undiscovered country down here. Taint true. |
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Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Originally posted by Lanaki:
GWB,
You're gonna "post your bowel movement"? Hold the photos please! That's what "youtube" is for. :D |
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Joined:
August 2006
Posts: 2804
Location: ranson,wva | acid reflux is hell. thank god for nexium...jason |
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Joined:
March 2002
Posts: 14842
Location: NJ | Christ! You guys're fallin' apart!!!!
Thankfully, all I have (so far) is this baboon's ass on the back of my head . . . |
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Joined:
October 2005
Posts: 5331
Location: Cicero, NY | Originally posted by cliff:
Christ! You guys're fallin' apart!!!!
Thankfully, all I have (so far) is this baboon's ass on the back of my head . . . Ooo. Um, yeah, Cliff, that's definitely something to be thankful for.
I guess...me? I'll just continue to enjoy my jock itch. |
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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13992
Location: Upper Left USA | 
It's never too late to learn and improve! |
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Joined:
November 2005
Posts: 4832
Location: Campbell River, British Columbia | Originally posted by cliff:
baboon's ass on the back of my head I think you'll find hats a little warmer and kinder to baboons everywhere. |
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Joined:
November 2004
Posts: 1330
Location: ms | I think all this is making my blood presure go up. My TMJ is starting to hurt also.And lets not forget my chronic fatigue syndrome. |
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Joined:
September 2004
Posts: 1180
Location: Vermont USA | Lets take a moment and be grateful, that no one has posted a picture. :eek:
Pauly |
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Joined:
December 2004
Posts: 4394
Location: East Tennessee | Jason,
Time for you post a killer. :D |
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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13992
Location: Upper Left USA | You mean "Jason pk"? |
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Joined:
January 2006
Posts: 1480
Location: Michigan | !!!THHAAAATTSS ALL FOLKS!!!
I am happy to report that I have completed my last issue with this bad ANAL WEEK . I am now almost pain free and my inner plumbing is working properly again.Im still very tender BUTT I am getting better by the hour.Thanks again OFCers , and as far as this post goes
" GWB the tribe has spoken "
Jason can pull the thread on this one whenever you are ready. GWB |
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Joined:
December 2003
Posts: 13992
Location: Upper Left USA | It's all good, as long you're happy in the end! |
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Joined:
March 2005
Posts: 12759
Location: Boise, Idaho | Good. I was about to suggest you change your member name to monkey butt. |
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HEMORRIODS ARE KILLING ME